I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
