Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
