Welp...herpes.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
