If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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