I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
