can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
