Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
