I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He did a backflip because drugs
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