You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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