Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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