Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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