I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
