420 ftw
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
