So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
