Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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