i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
