VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
