Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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