I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
