Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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