You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
