This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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