): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
