Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
