every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
