Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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