If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
