I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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