my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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