just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
