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you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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