hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
