lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
