Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
