Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
