i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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