We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
