Four minutes until I can fart!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
