She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
