i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
