I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize