He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
