Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
soo... how was my night?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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