I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
nutella sex= disaster
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Randomize
