If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
