Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
