i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
