i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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