Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
