I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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