I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
