So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He has the fingertips of a God
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