8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He better not be in your backpack
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
