Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
