Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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