i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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