Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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