listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
