i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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